It's Complicated

Last week I was asked to find photos of my aunt for a slideshow that will be featured at her funeral service.

Off I went to search my box of photos and found only three, and only one with me in it.

This surprised me because I had expected to find more.

But then I was reminded of all the reasons why I didn't, and I realized that it has been some time since I have thought about my history with my aunt.

A complicated history, if you will, which resulted in a complicated relationship.

Our story is not one I will be sharing on this blog, but perhaps some of my reflections might resonate with you.

It is easy to tell yourself you feel indifferent about losing a family member that you never felt close to. And yes, I said "tell yourself" because this is actually what your inner voice tells you.

But the truth is, if you were indifferent, it is only for lack of self-examination. Certainly, I think, this is a temporary state of mind.

If you actually gave yourself time and permission to think about your relationship with that person, you will find some strong feelings. And not necessarily ones that make you long to be with that person.

And the truth is, you don't even know that turning back time would change anything, so you don't necessarily feel regret. Maybe you might feel some resignation.

Perhaps you might still feel residual anger. Or guilt. Or hurt.

And you ask yourself, "But did I love this person?"

And maybe a small voice inside you says, "Yes." Or maybe, "No, not really."

And if you took the time to consider how you wish things were, instead of how they actually were, you might feel sad.

Then you find yourself on a roll, and you challenge yourself: "Surely I have good memories of this person?"

And yes, you do. A few, maybe.

Then you spend a few moments weighing all these complicated feelings. "Am I more sad or more angry? More hurt than angry, perhaps?" Etc., etc.

And you wonder whether you'd forgiven this person for all that's passed. In your heart, you know you had. A long time ago.

But forgiveness does not change how the memories make you feel.

Memories that work you up until you decide to just accept what is: that it's complicated.

That you neither really hated nor loved them. That you might be a little sad, but not as sad as some might expect. And this makes you feel a little guilty... which gives you pause.

You think to yourself that you need to let this go. Let the guilt scatter to the wind. Along with the resentments, anger, and hurt.

Because it is time.

And this person is now gone. And there is nothing that can be done about the past.

So you say a prayer for peace of mind and acceptance. Of what was and what is.

And as you put away the meager three photos you'd just scanned for their memorial slideshow, you decide that, if anyone asked you to prepare a eulogy, you should say "No, thank you". And that is okay.

Of course, by "you", I mean me.

I am glad there are others with happier memories of my aunt. And more photographs than I can contribute. Hopefully, these conjure more pleasant feelings than mine.

I know that each relationship is different, and often, there is neither an oppressor nor a victim in a "complicated" relationship. Sometimes, there are just circumstances. Bad timing. Bad chemistry. Poor communication. Contributing factors.

So I will show up for her and pay my respects. Because she wasn't a bad person. And in her life, I know that she was mostly just doing her best.

Just like the rest of us.